We have so many toys. SO many toys! I've gone through the kids' toys tonight and gotten over 2-13 gallon garbage bags full of toys to give away. Hannah gave me the OK on several of them before bed, but I've since collected another entire bag, so I'm going to check with her and Seth tomorrow about whether or not the others are OK. I would just give them away, but they're not mine to give. The name on the gift tag didn't say Jennie. It said either Seth or Hannah. I can't just go and give away their stuff. That's not fair to them. I wouldn't want people picking through my stuff and taking away whatever they want, so I'll have them sort tomorrow, and we'll take them somewhere that can give them away. (Steps off unintentional soapbox.) I wonder where I should take them...
There's a homeless shelter for women, but I know they don't do a bunch of toys because the women are only allowed to stay one year, so if they give their kids a big Christmas one year, then the mother will feel obligated to do it again the next year and feel badly when they can't (or so I've been told). There's a place called WRAP, which is a place for raped and abused women, and occasionally men. Women go up there for support and advise, and clothes. They also do give out furnishings, if a woman moves out from an abusive situation and has no means to get anything. I know they take toys, but I don't know if they'll take THIS many toys. I may just have to divide them up. There's also a place called the Carl Perkins Center, but I have no idea what they do, I've just heard of people taking stuff to them. So I have options, but I don't know which ones will work out. Guess I'll call and see.
We're going to MOPS tomorrow, and have been assigned a woman, from the Dream Center, and her children to buy gift for. Well, on the woman's list for our table was size 8 boots, perfume, earrings, necklace, scarf, Girls 2T outfit, and Boys 5T outfit. Well I was going to email about the girl's outfit, but someone beat me to it. Then the scarf, same thing, then the perfume, same thing. I wasn't going to do the boots, but someone took those anyway. Then yesterday the woman heading it up called me and asked if I'd go buy the Dream Center woman some earrings and a necklace. I have to admit, I was angry. I was SO angry. I mean, you're homeless what do you need with jewelry? Aren't there a million other things you might need other than a necklace and earrings? I'm still baffled, but I got them for her anyway. I found a really great set that is beautiful and was inexpensive, so I got it. I can't imagine what she feels, and I'm so thankful that I don't have to. I'm trying to hard to put myself in those shoes, and I'm sure that if I got something beautiful for Christmas, then it would make me feel special. I'm glad to be doing something for someone else, but I'm dealing with bitterness in my heart about that and a lot of things. I'm hoping that this all changes, but I feel like I've got some more admitting to do.
I'm angry. I carry around anger in my heart almost constantly. I'm always expecting too much of people, and what they do, or don't do, for me. I feel so bitter when someone shoots down an idea, or opinion, or viewpoint of mine that I've thoroughly researched, and know that my way is best FOR ME. It may not be for them, but don't make me feel like I'm doing the wrong thing, when I know it isn't. I think a lot of this is who shoots it down too. If that person is not educated on the topic and can't form a well structured opinion, then I have no desire to discuss anything with that person, and it irritates me. When I listen to that person's opinion, they listen to mine, and then they promptly redirect the conversation toward another area without giving any credit, or even acknowledgment to me or my opinion, then it makes me bitter. I'm dealing with bitterness today. I was totally shot down in this manner this morning, and who the person is made it worse. It's not like I hold this person is high regards or anything, but...never mind, it's just frustrating. The rest are just details.
Pride, Tricia. Here's my pride. I'm an educated person. I research basically everything. My kids are the most well-behaved children I have ever encountered. Why would someone NOT want my advice? Why? Because I'm a lowly person, and I have not my experience to account for, and I'm not as great as I like to think I am. My pride is thinking my opinions and advise should be intensely desired and sought after. When it's not, I'm offended. For me this is soul-baring stuff.
Our pastor confronted us on this, these things I'm dealing with, today in our worship service. Our worship leader started playing and singing a hymn after the sermon, I'm sure you know it. "Thou Didst Leave Thy Throne" says in its refrain, "O come to my heart, Lord Jesus, there is room in my heart for Thee." Then our pastor admitted that this weekend he confessed to God, with his wife, his bitterness and anger that have been taking up so much space in his heart. I have that same cohabitation problem. Bigger problem is, that kind of cohabitation, like almost every other kind, doesn't end well. I think I know what needs to be done. Anger, bitterness, pride, selfishness, conceit...yeah I've got a lot of space taken.
On a way different and very much lighter note, I finished a book today I got from my nephew, Caleb. It was SO good. It's that book that tells a fictional story that involves Greek (and now Roman) mythology. It's a great story. Now back to our regularly scheduled Robin Cook book.
Two garbage bags...I wonder how much of my stuff I can get rid of. It would make the moving process a whole lot easier. I guess there's always Goodwill, and if not there, then we have a very large trash can. :)
I feel like we just had one of our Sunday afternoon conversations. :)
ReplyDeleteMy responses/thoughts, in order:
1) The Carl Perkins Center is for abused children. I don't know much about it or if they take toys, but Erin will be interning there next semester, so you could ask her for more information!
2) Homeless woman. I was JUST thinking about a related topic today--about homeless people owning pets, and spending money on dog food or whatever. Personally, that makes sense to me. And I think I understand the jewelry too. From what I understand, one of the worst things about being homeless is feeling somehow less human. Anything that helps you feel valuable and meaningful--whether that's a dog that relies on you (you can provide for something even though you are homeless--that's got to be empowering) or jewelry to remind you that yes, you are still a woman, and yes, you can still be beautiful...um, I lost that sentence. But I agree with your idea that it will make her feel special. I think that is just as important to care for homeless people's mental and emotional states as it is to take care of them physically.
3) You are echoing my pride. I too struggle with the fact that I'm intelligent. Nope. I struggle with the fact that other people don't realize I am intelligent. So much of my identity is bound up in that--I was always "the smart girl" in school, so when someone ignores my opinion or whatever, I feel like they are invalidating me personally. And that is just a stupid issue, because my value is not bound up in my intelligence. My value is found in God, because everything I am is a gift from Him to be used for Him. His opinion is the only one that should matter.
So I say, but that is not how I live day to day. Still working on it.
4) The song. I'm reading this excellent book called "Soul Keeping," and there is a chapter on humility that opened my eyes to a new way of looking at humility and why it's actually an awesome thing. Like that song says, we have to open our hearts, and empty our hands of everything--our pride, our control, our dreams, our goals--because the more we empty ourselves, the more we can be filled with God. WHICH IS AWESOME. I've never really thought of humility as such a pro-active kind of action.
5) Yay Lost Hero! It's been awhile since I've read Percy Jackson, but I think I almost like this new series better. I loved getting to know three new characters. I liked Leo a lot...getting in the headspace of secondary characters who KNOW they are secondary characters is fascinating to me. And I love how Riordan has opened up this whole Greek/Roman dichotomy thing. So interesting!
I miss you Jennie. I'm so glad we can still talk via blogs. :)
Tricia-
ReplyDelete1)I'll definitely send Erin a message on fb about it.
2) I had already started coming out of my bitterness funk about the woman wanting that type of thing, but then at MOPS today it really was helped by them talking about the women. My difficulty is, I see them as "them." Never "it could be me." We're only paychecks away from being in that exact position. What would I want for Christmas. I think this was also aided by the fact that I found out that the children on the list weren't HER children, but just two children out of all 5 women. Only two of the women have children. Makes more sense to me why she'd ask for that, if she doesn't have children. Not saying ANYTHING against people that don't have children, but I know how my thoughts and desires changed the moment my children came into my life. In any case, I felt better about the gift then.
3) YES!!! How can you not know, through our limited conversation, that I'm an intelligent person?? I'm pretty sure that the more people get to know me, the less they like me. Seems to be the case with most every relationship that is beginning around me. I think I may be trying so hard to prove myself as a person, that I'm pushing people to thinking, "What's with her?" This could be an entire blog post on its own, and probably will be soon.
4) I think I will forever struggle with turning over my whole heart.
5) I keep thinking that I have more of it to read! I love books in a series, but I hate waiting for the rest of the books to come out. Dusty finished the book. I said you knew, didn't you? He said, "What that they swapped? Yeah." Dang it. He also knows what his mom is getting him for Christmas. How? Not a clue. Same reason he can predict the ending of a story every time, and knew what my wedding dress looked like before he saw it, and how he knew what our kids looked like before we had them. Weirdo...
Please come visit.
And you told me the other day that you wished you had something to say every day....
ReplyDeleteDarlin', you could write a book.
And people would "get it" because you're talking about things that the vast majority of us (if we are honest with ourselves) struggle with, too.
You HAVE something to say. Unless the Holy Spirit convicts you to keep your mouth..err...fingers "shut", then share.
I don't know if you're aware of it, but there is evidence of God working in your life overflowing in these blog posts.
'Bout to have a Skype worship service right now! :)
Jennie, I can understand your frustration with others who don't listen to what you say or believe what you say, and ignore your opinions. The problem is that you are intelligent, smart, and "you get it". The world is full of people who manage OK and muddle through but they never get it. This is just the way it is, and you cannot change it. Consider it a price that you pay for having a high amount of intelligence. Unless you choose to live in an academic environment, you just have to put up with this, sort of a "cost of doing business" so to speak. You just have to accept that no matter how good they are, your opinions and advice are not going to be intensely desired and sought after very often. In the same vein, people will want to shift the topic of conversation to themselves, this is just human nature. Some are way worse at this than others, but we all do it.
ReplyDeleteYeah, there is pride involved here. I used to fight this all the time, (I'm smarter than you are, why don't you listen to me?) but as I age I learn that a lot of the things that irritate me are not worth being irritated about. As I used to tell frustrated engineers who suffered under less than smart supervisors, "The sun is going to come up tomorrow morning no matter what you do so let it go." Easy advice to give, hard to practice though.
Let the anger go. It will change nothing, only you, and not in a good way.
You are not a lowly person, and you have plenty of experiences to account for. Are you as great as you think you are? Actually, probably even better, but waiting for someone else to recognize that, well, don't hold your breath. Your real friends and your family already know how great you are, and for the rest, what does it matter in the end?
Jennie, I admire you a lot and I love you.
Tommy