How funny

OK, I just read Tommy's comment on my last post, and it's so interesting because that comment follows a couple of conversations that I've had with Becky.  She and I JUST talked this morning about it being in our nature to want to do things and check things off our check list of good things, or works, to earn our salvation.  It's our nature as rule following humans.

Also, she and I were chatting just a couple of days ago, and she typed :p) and I said maybe it was tongue in cheek. Weird.

So today has started out not good.  Not good at all.  I got so angry over trivial situations.  I just couldn't diffuse my anger before another thing would happen that would stoke it.  It was one thing after another.  The two things that pushed me to my breaking point were when Seth got in our bed, with his Pop-Tart, and got crumbs all in our bed causing me to have to wash my sheets.  I started to take off my sheets, so Hannah started getting off the bed to get out of my way, except she got off too high up on my side of the bed, and kicked over my water.  It went EVERYWHERE.  Now, the space is not big, but there are so many things there to cover with water.  It was unfun to clean it up.  However, before I went to clean it up, I screamed because I was so angry, and I said, "I am so angry!!!"  This startled my kids and made them cry.  I asked them to go to the living room and play.  They did and were happily playing while I was trying to figure out how I was going to get over my anger, cleaning up the water.  I really thought there were pictures on the floor over there, and I was wrong, thankfully.  There were a couple of things over there that are keepsakes for me, that I would be so sad if they got wet, but they didn't.  Once I was able to compose myself and I got everything cleaned up and got my bed stuff ready to get washed, I went in and apologized to them for screaming, and I told them that I was not angry with them because neither of them did the things on purpose.  They forgave me, and sweet Hannah asked me to forgive her.  There are just some days when I think if DCS knew about me, they'd come and get my kids.

Everything was fine.  I just have been having such a volatile day.  I'm trying really hard to get things back under control.  Ah, control.  Dusty asked me why it was that I felt that I got angry about these situations.  I hadn't put it in that perspective yet, so that was interesting.  I think it was the loss of control.  I could have controlled Seth eating on my bed, but I didn't know about it.  I didn't realize he had food in my bed, and then after I found out, it was done and I was angry.  Then when I was regaining control, the water got knocked over, and I lost all control of what would get hit with water and how the situation would get remedied.  I hate losing control.  It is impossible for me to maintain my composure when control is lost.  Perhaps I should work on this.  Obviously, I should since my children are being emotionally wounded by me. 

Just for the record, this isn't a source of pride for me.  I am exposing myself with the details of this story so that maybe I can move past these situations.  I honestly do not know how to control this type of anger.  No praying could've helped at this point, no counting, no leaving the situation.  Maybe I could've left, but I needed to clean up the water as quickly as I could.  Had I not, then there would have been much damage to almost everything on my side of the room.  Those that do not have anger, do not know how to handle the anger I feel.  Those that do have anger, do not have solutions to fix the anger, or they would not have it.  This is my hypothesis.