Progress

Dad's cancer treatment started: Check
Mom in Africa: Check
Kids internal clocks reset for the time change: Check

Hope the rest of this isn't too much information, but I thought I'd share with you where I've been mentally the past few days.

So for these last few days I've had a great amount of internal (and external) struggle.  When I have these difficulties I'm unable to really make heads nor tails of anything.  Nothing works right in my head.  I have a huge amount of spiritual warfare.  During this time I knew I hated Satan, but I couldn't say I actually loved God.  Quite a bit of spiritual discord.  I'm still not sure what all of that means, after the fact.  I feel like it was a crisis of belief, like Blackaby would say. I'm also not sure if it was just a hormonal thing causing the spiritual warfare, or a spiritual warfare causing what I thought was a hormonal thing.  I don't know if I'll ever know, and I don't know why I'm quicker to assume it was hormonal than spiritual warfare.  Maybe because it's the easier assumption.  Maybe because it feels natural to have that problem.  Whatever the reason, it's frustrating and I wish it would stop.

Side note:  Seth just said, "Mommy, I'm not feeling well" and he laid down on the couch.  I asked him what wasn't feeling well.  He said, "My feelings."  It was so sweet and sad and hilarious all at the same time.  The kids and Dusty had been playing catch, and Dusty said Seth had gotten hit in the mouth with the ball.  Dusty had checked on him with it, but Seth said he was fine.  Apparently his feelings weren't though. :)

OK, back to the main subject.  I'm seeking healing for the difficulty because it's miserable for everyone around me, and me.  Maybe one day I'll be better.  Today I feel like a completely different person than I did Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.  Yesterday was better, but I wasn't yet myself completely.  I'm back today.  I was able to have people over for supper even.  Shandy and Cheyenne came over for pizza.  It was so much fun because my kids have a great time entertaining Cheyenne.  I was in the kitchen, Dusty was upstairs and Shandy went to use the bathroom and left Cheyenne in the living room with only Hannah and Seth.  Hannah has been practicing babysitting with one of her baby dolls, so I told her that she was baby sitting Cheyenne.  She was so excited. :)  I'm going to give them each a quarter for doing so well.  They'll be thrilled.

After reading Tricia's post about being back in Senegal, I long for the closeness with God that being a missionary would bring out of necessity.  What makes me sad is that having an every day life in America necessitates that relationship too, I'm just too proud and self-centered to develop it.  Hm.  I think there needs to be a change.  I wish I knew how to initiate that.  I know all the Sunday school answers, but what will really click it in my head?

I got a letter today because of a background check our church needed to have us work in the nursery.  There was an incident on there, a speeding ticket.  Problem was, it was for Ohio in 2002, and for a Jennifer Lea Smith.  Pretty sure I've never driven in Ohio, especially not in 2002, and my name was Jennifer Lynn Smith.  Now, I have a speeding ticket, which I had to pay the same amount as that other girl, but mine was in 2001 and in Sangamon County, IL.  I disputed it, and they took my information, and asked me to fax my ID.  Too bad the fax number they gave me is no longer a working number.  Great.  I'll have to call back on Monday.  Weird situation.